I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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