So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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