i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
