remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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