I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Terrible idea I love it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize