Kiss
Puke
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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