high people should be assigned attendants
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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