life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
