Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize