Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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