I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
