Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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