if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
