Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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