Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize