My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
