I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
