I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
