I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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