If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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