Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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