Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
