I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
