Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
