You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
