I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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