yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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