This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
