My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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