I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
