the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
