its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
