Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
