Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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