I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
