Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
