the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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