God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
