oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
