So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
