I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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