I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
