The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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