I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
