and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize