I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
