The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
