if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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