After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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