I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
