Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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