i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize