I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
