Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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