You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
