Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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