we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
