You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
