I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just gift wrapped bread.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize