nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Two words: blizzard sex
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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