On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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